Vulnerability is courage on fire

June 20, 2017

6/25/13 Today I have to remind myself of how low I go when I consume alcohol. This was right after having brain surgery to stop a hemorrhage in the center of my brain after falling over a railing of the top of a staircase. It's not everyday that alcohol consumption leads to a brain hemorrhage but odds are if I take one sip I will end up on my death bed within just a few days. Uncanny. Sadly this was not the end of my debacle I went out and drank just two months after my hemorrhagic stroke and it got even worse. It boggles my mind that I can walk just one block and buy my drug of choice. Alcohol is ubiquitous and yet it kills more people annually than all other drugs combined. Seems like a socio-cultural malignancy. It has taken decades for the public to understand that alcoholism is not a moral issue or lack of will power, it is a manifestation of dysfunctional brain chemistry. And still most people cannot fully comprehend addiction, including medical doctors. But I am living proof that it is possible to recover no matter how severe the case is. I am beyond grateful that I have a working brain that is still adept at absorbing new information and retaining it. I never feared death but man I feared living with "wet brain". I thank God everyday that I can walk and talk and understand what's happening around me because there was a time when those things were contingent upon a miracle. I have a new appreciation for life, I see beauty in things I never noticed before. Tragic bottoms create beautiful transformations. I know now that my scars are precisely what God intended to be transfigured into my purpose. My pain has been the best vehicle in connecting with others who are/ who have suffered deeply and that makes it all worth it. Suffering unifies humanity and truth telling unlocks people. We're meant to connect with each other not hide away. I am also immensely grateful to have parents that are warriors of love and tenacity. Who not only never gave up up but we're brave enough to look at my alcoholism up close and truly believe that there enduring love would loosen the grip it had on their daughter. And they were right. Love may not conquer all things but it does set all things right. 

 

 

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